He Really Was Stupid
by lovefanfiction
Summary: Sirius and Remus broke up because of Sirius’s roommate. Now it’s up to that very roommate to put things right…even though he detests Remus.
1. Sirius

He Really Was Stupid

By lovefanfiction

Chapter One: Sirius

Rating: PG

Characters: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and OC

Summary: Sirius and Remus broke up because of Sirius's roommate. Now it's up to that very roommate to put things right…even though he really detests Remus.

* * *

He really was stupid- excruciatingly stupid. Sirius, his face pressed against the table, stared along the aging wood without really seeing the mug inches from his nose. How does someone with straight O's and an incalculable number of perfectly executed pranks under his belt manage to screw up so royally? On a regular basis, no less. Sirius raised his head off the table a few centimeters before allowing it to crash back down, rattling the remains of his lunch.

Ken peeked in from the next room, worried that something might be broken this time. "Oi! Siri, come on! It's been two week-"

"My nickname is _Padfoot_," Sirius spat without turning to face his roommate.

Ken shook his head, relaxing back onto the couch, "You know I've never really understood that."

A painful sounding crack echoed back from the kitchen. Sighing, Ken set aside his reading and made his way into the kitchen to stand behind Sirius and wait. Moments later, Sirius lifted his head and Ken caught a handful of silky locks and yanked.

Sirius's ear-splitting yowl quickly turned to a growl, "You're not helping."

"'In fact, you're the problem,'" he growled back, mimicking Sirius's bared teeth.

"I never said that!"

"You've been thinking it, though." The sound of the chair scraping against tile was unnaturally loud as Sirius turned silently away. "Look, I'll move out-"

"No, I-"

"Have been unfair to Remus."

"What do you care? You hate him."

Ken rested his face on top of his folded hands, studying the knots in the wood before him carefully, "We've never gotten along, no…"

"Biggest understatement ever."

"Sirius. Please." Sirius turned away from the window to stare at a blank stretch of wall over Ken's right shoulder, and that was as good as it was going to get.

"But you are obviously good friends."

"I take it back; that's the biggest-"

"Sirius, do shut up. You're being obnoxious and _that_ is the biggest understatement of all time. Now- Remus and I will never get along, but he clearly needs you. And it is evidently him or me. I don't mind moving out, and won't be unduly offended, if that's what you choose. Though: you should know that you must choose."

"Funny, that almost sounded like you were on Remus's side. Sick of me already?"

"So far in as roommates go, you're a cut above the rest. But I do not wish Remus any pain-"

"Even though you hate his guts."

"_Sirius._ I don't wish him any pain; you and he clearly have something. And you're an insufferable child without him. I couldn't stand him, true, but he was a bit more tolerable than you've been of late."

Sirius deflated in his chair, slamming his head back into the table. "Ah, I see. What you've failed to grasp is that Remus is very perceptive. He saw that I would have to choose, expected I did too, and thinks I've already chosen. I'll- stupid… he- ugh."

"Really?"

A weak, humorless chuckle escaped Sirius. "It's too late; he thinks I've rejected him. Thinks I've chosen a roommate over his love and all we've shared growing up and- just everything."

"Huh." What else was there to say to that?

Slam. Slam. Slam. The mug danced across the table to the tune of Sirius's self-loathing.

"Stop that, you're splashing coffee on me."

"You might as well stay, can't hurt anything now."

"Except, apparently, my favorite shirt. Excuse me."

And Ken escaped to his room, flinging his soaked shirt into a corner and sliding down the wall to contemplate this rather sticky mess. He had, as far as he could see, four options. One: leave and never look back, hope the two of them work it out, and always feel guilty and lesser for having driven them apart. Two: stay and pretend to be oblivious to the whole Remus fiasco. Three and four were variations of the first two choices that involved helping Sirius win his pet werewolf back.

Sighing, Ken stared down his dirty laundry corner, trying to figure out his best course of action. Obviously, door number two was out, as it required both enduring a very bratty, sulky Sirius and feeling like an utter shit for getting between them and then having the audacity to feign ignorance. The fourth sounded remarkably like the balancing act that had preceded these past miserable weeks.

Well, then, one thing was certain- he was leaving. And if he was going anyway, he may as well have a go at selling a werewolf on the beauty of second chances.

Grabbing a shirt from the bottom of the dirty shirt heap, he emerged. Only to find- Bang. Bang. Bang. Perhaps brain damage was partially responsible for Sirius's recent behavior.

Shaking his head, Ken decided talking to Remus would yield more progress, even as the idea made his skin crawl.

* * *

To Be Continued


	2. Remus

He Really Was Stupid

By lovefanfiction

Chapter Two: Remus

Rating: PG

Characters: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and OC

Summary: Sirius and Remus broke up because of Sirius's roommate. Now it's up to that very roommate to put things right…even though he really detests Remus.

This chapter is dedicated to Lycanrai Moraine; thank you for showing interest in this story! Chapter two is up on the same day as chapter one because of you.

* * *

Remus was looking wane and ill, even more so than usual. In any other person, this inspired sympathy in Ken. Looking at Remus's pitiful state made him grit his teeth in irritation. "Morning," he hissed at the swaying wizard. It sounded even ruder than he had meant it, but damn it all, he wasn't going to wish him a _good_ morning.

Remus blinked sleepily back. "Ken?"

"No, Lorcan d'Eath."

"I don't think he can go out in daylight-"

"Being a vampire and all, yeah, I know."

"Part vampire."

"Like I really _care_." Semantics, technicalities. Remus didn't know how to just get a conversation over with.

Remus stared at him calmly and levelly, obviously aware that he would care if it had been someone else correcting him. "Why don't you come in?" Remus requested in a mild tone, stepping back from the doorway.

"No, I don't think I will."

"All right."

Minutes passed as they stood there awkwardly. Ken shifted his weight back and forth between his feet, eyes roving about, looking anywhere but Remus. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Remus grip the doorway, still weak from the recent full moon.

"Look, I…" he rocked back on his heels, not entirely sure how to finish that sentence.

"Ken, why did you come here?"

"Because Sirius is driving me up the wall!" It wasn't what he meant to say, but it was more progress than he'd made since knocking on Remus's door.

"And you want my help managing him."

Ken blinked. Once, then twice. Remus seemed to be under the impression he wanted advice on Sirius-handling. "No! I mean yes… Sort of. I just wanted you to know that I'm leaving and that Sirius is absolutely miserable. And-" For some reason Ken couldn't see, the idiot was upset. He had gone horribly pale. Ken ground his teeth together in frustration. "What's with that look?"

As Remus dropped his gaze to his doorstop, it struck Ken what was wrong. He thought Ken was _together_ with Sirius. Which made this whole thing so much easier. Or… so much more fun.

On the one hand, Ken could just tell him the truth, and be on his way. But, on the other- well, this was too good an opportunity to pass up.

He gave Remus a grimace that he hoped passed for a shy smile. "I don't know how you did it. He's... a handful."

Remus was staring at that battered wooden doorstop so hard his eyes were watering. Or he may have been crying, but that struck Ken as unlikely. The imbecile never cried; he just got paler when he was upset.

But the possibility that Remus might be crying was making Ken rather uncomfortable. "Right. I forgot you were useless anyway. Never mind, I'll just figure it out myself." And he fled.

Before he even reached the sidewalk, however, Remus spoke. "Try pranks."

"What?" Ken spun around on the spot, astonished that he was getting an answer.

The werewolf was gazing at him wretchedly, looking small and crushed. "Pranks. They always cheer him up, calm him down, get him to listen. Whichever." A wavering smile worked its way up Remus's face.

Ken was at a loss for words. That simpleton thought Sirius had left him for Ken, and here he was, trying to give Ken advice on how to make it work. He must really love Sirius to want him happy with whomever, the fool.

Ken nodded seriously and left without a word. Pranks, huh? Somehow, he didn't think Sirius would appreciate this particular prank.

* * *

To Be Continued

Lorcan d'eath, the 31st wizard of the month on J. K. Rowling's official site, is a part vampire and famous singer.


	3. Ken

He Really Was Stupid

By lovefanfiction

Chapter Three: Ken

Rating: PG

Characters: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and OC

Summary: Sirius and Remus broke up because of Sirius's roommate. Now it's up to that very roommate to put things right…even though he really detests Remus.

This chapter is dedicated to Lycanrai Moraine, 2Padfoot00Moony8, and marauders-and-lily-i-love. I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up! It shouldn't take me so long next time.

* * *

Ken knew what he'd done to Remus was unnecessarily cruel and undeserved. And he did, in the back of his mind and pit of his stomach, feel the first stirrings of guilt. But the rest of him was exalting the possibilities of his spur-of-the-moment not-quite-_lie_.

Something about Remus's nature, his personality, his Remus-ness, had always grated on Ken. How, even when he was being friendlier than everyone else in the room, he also seemed to be the most formal. How he lived so strictly within the rules, you'd think he was programmed that way, like a muggle computer that did only what it was told. How Remus had sensed Ken's antagonism, and never seemed to participate in arguments and yet still won every single time.

It had always seemed to Ken like Remus was one up on him; if he had to kick him when he was down to get a hit in at all, then that's just what he'd do.

Ken arrived home to find Sirius still doing an impression of a particularly unglamorous and unkempt mannequin. He sat down next to the inert form to sip contently at some cranberry juice. The guilt squirmed a bit in his stomach, so Ken decided to eat something. Some bread squashed the guilt quite nicely.

Though it still left him with a moping Sirius who didn't deserve this, who had never offended him, and was deeply in love with Remus. Just thinking about it should have revived the guilt- would have, in most people. But with Ken it was just a "should have." Sirius was a decent person, but Ken had never felt anything for him, not even a shadow of friendship.

Quite frankly, the aspect of using Sirius to knock Remus down even further was a lot more appealing than resolving this before he'd had any real fun. He'd try and sort out guilt and should-haves later; if he hurried, he could rub their "relationship" in Remus's face even harder. Hurried being a relative word- getting Sirius to move at a snail's pace would be outstanding progress.

He turned to Sirius and said softly, with a concerned friend's smile on his face, "Why don't we go to that café on the corner you like so much?" The one Sirius used to visit whenever Remus made his weekly trips to the book store. It shouldn't- in and of itself- remind Sirius of Remus's presence and should sound like a suitable attempt at trying to get Sirius to recover by easing him back into his old life. And, best of all, getting to the café required walking past the bookstore- where Remus would be for a while now, obeying his routine like some robot, even with a broken heart.

Sirius nodded numbly at the wall, and attempted a smile. It was just as fake as Ken's, but instead of looking like a smooth imitation of a natural smile, it looked like it belonged on a vacant-eyed doll. "Yeah," Sirius had to clear his throat before he could continue speaking, "I'd...well, I wouldn't like it, but it's got to beat sitting around here for another solid week. I'll go get dressed."

Almost too easy. Ken smiled as he dipped a slice of bread into his juice.


	4. Questions

Rating: PG

Characters: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and OC

Summary: Sirius and Remus broke up because of Sirius's roommate. Now it's up to that very roommate to put things right…even though he really detests Remus.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! Now you're caught and on the pyre! Silly, stupid, naïve liar! "It shouldn't take me so long next time." Ha! You know, you guys should all yell at me if you want more! Particularly if I'm failing that miserably! Nothing gets me motivated faster. It took me two months to get around to chapter three and has been eight since then! Light a fire under me, y'all, if you're tired of my shit! Bring on the flames! Half this freaking chapter has been sitting here on my computer, but I've been a lazy moron.

I hereby give all my readers permission to call me on my habitual laziness and chronic procrastination. [/rant]

**Dedication**: This chapter is dedicated to all of you who have waited for it so patiently for it (though I advise against such patience in the future.) I don't know if you still had faith in me that this would ever update, but here it is; if you didn't, that's okay, I was a hair short of with you on that one. Also dedicated to Half-Blood Metamorphmagus whose review of Pffft! final inspired me to get his up, you can all thank her for it's very existence.

* * *

Dusty book covers and all the same words just rearranged into a facsimile of novelty. Suddenly, Remus understood why Sirius had never visited the book store with him. Though understanding that small aspect of Sirius was trivial and inadequate, when he really wanted to know was _why_.

Why he was suddenly not enough; why Ken was. Why he had to figure this all out on his own. Why Sirius had not been upfront about it, as he was with everything else.

None of the books that he'd once planned on reading held any appeal; Remus seriously wondered why he'd bothered coming at all. He stared through the gap between books, out the window, and- at the same time- at nothing at all. At his future as it stood: right on top of the present, unable and unwilling to change.

And, past that, through the window was Ken, laughing, tugging Sirius along by the hand. Sirius looked tired and a bit down, but was clearly doing his best to humor Ken. Remus had always suppressed his romantic, pull-him-down-the-street-by-the-hand-laughing side for Sirius's sake- Sirius had never much cared for displays in public.

Yet more proof, but no answers still. Remus sighed and fell back on one of the chair scattered around the store. He stared off into space, not even bothering to pretend to be reading the titles of the history books.

Sirius had to know Remus would be here. Had to know that he'd see. Had to have a reason. Remus sighed, and looked at the poorly lit ceiling for answers; not surprisingly, it failed to supply any. Is this, he wondered, a message? 'Leave us alone, you're unwanted'? But when had he given Sirius the impression that he would intrude? When had he done anything but step back and let Sirius have Ken? When had he said so much as a word in protest, so much as asked for an explanation? Never. So, why…? Well, that was the question, wasn't it? Why, why, why, why?

* * *

Outside, Ken was tugging at Sirius's hand, laughing at nothing, and seriously reconsidering. For one thing, Sirius was giving him a look that clearly asked, "Are you insane!?!" Exclamation points included, no assembly required.

For another, this had to look _so_ fake. He felt caught in this lie, stuck on stage in front of a hostile audience. A hostile audience who might emerge from the book store any moment. Which would make this halfway interesting, if Remus got the fguts to stand up to Ken and make a scene. Not like that would ever happen.

They made it inside just as lightning split the sky and it opened up, unleashing torrents of rain and lashing winds. Ken made Sirius get a window seat before he went up to the register and purchased lunch. Tapping his fingers impatiently on the counter, he watched Sirius, not that there was much to see.

"You know," he started, and Sirius raised his head to look at him with soulful eyes. Behind Sirius, he caught sight of Remus, booking it out of the book store, pun intended. Remus looked absolutely miserable. Triumph warred with a queasy feeling of guilt in his gut, seeing him. In front of him, Sirius blinked, waiting for Ken to finish without any real interest. Beyond Sirius, Remus had his arms crossed, keeping his jacket wrapped around him in the sudden downpour, but not shielding his precious books. He looked unusually cold and small.

Seeing them both together- yet, clearly and undeniably separated- struck home something in Ken's gut. He had to fix this. He'd started it, and now he had to fix it. He just had to think of a way to do so without implicating himself. With Sirius, he might, if he played with his emotions right, be able to get off scot-free, but Remus… Remus was entirely too perceptive. Remus would know, instantly, what had been going on, once Ken lifted the blindfold of heart brokenness that was smothering his instincts.

The only way out of this, he concluded, was to leave Remus with the impression that, while Ken had been going out with Sirius, things hadn't worked out. And- if Ken was in a particularly generous mood- that Sirius's stint with Ken had shown him all he loved in Remus that no other man had.

Ugh, no, never that generous, Ken thought. That was entirely too mushy for him to pull off believably anyway. No, he just had to focus on "breaking up" with Sirius without Sirius ever figuring out that they were supposed to be going out in the first place.

How, Ken mused as he spun the pepper shaker around on the table, do you keep a werewolf and a broken-hearted idiot silent about such a misunderstanding, without letting either know there had ever been a misunderstanding?

Too complex, there was no way Remus would fail to bring it up for the rest of their lives. Or that Sirius wouldn't say something, innocently, that would cause questions. Did it matter? If he was leaving soon anyway… Yes, it mattered, it was a point of pride now. There had to be another way…

Ken resolved to think about it later, taking a bite out of his sandwich, but this time, food failed to lessen the guilt. Sirius, half turned in his chair to stare out the window at the entrance to the book store, waiting to see someone who'd already gone, had long since given up on Ken finishing his sentence. He did anyway. "You know, you and I, the messes we get ourselves into, we really are stupid sometimes."

"Yeah…" Sirius said, his breath fogging up the window his nose was pressed against. Ken wasn't sure if he'd actually heard.

* * *

Hoping for a semblance of normalcy, at least externally, Remus purchased a few books that had been on his mental reading list, but then left the book store several hours earlier than he used to.

Used to be, only the thought of Sirius waiting impatiently next door could tear him away from books, and not until at least half the day had passed. Now, he failed to muster the emotional involvement required to enjoy fiction and the attention span required to read nonfiction. The whole book store was useless.

He returned to his apartment, tossed the bag of books on his bed- an unusual display of lack of respect for them, but there were empty for him now, no matter how many thousands of words they contained- and crumpled on the floor. Leaning back against the door, he stared forlornly at the wall.

He was still functioning, held up by his routine, his carefully laid out life, but he was struggling to find any point left in it at all.

* * *

TBC...


	5. Arguments

Liar, liar! Except it's a good thing this time. I said no updates before Thursday, and here I am on Monday. Why? I got sick and stayed home. Yay for feeling crappy, you get a new chapter! Except it's a pretty lame chapter... that totally sets up some action for the next one!

Rushed? Yes. Why? I don't even remember where the heck I originally planned to go with this story, and I just want it finished since there has been interest shown in it. It's going to be no where near the intended quality, but it will get done, and hopefully be a satisfying story.

* * *

That night, Ken escaped to the library, where he sat with a book on his lap and a faraway stare, plotting.

What a stupid idea in the first place. He was going to have to be _unbelievably_ subtle about this because, while Remus might not tear out his throat, drop-kick his head into the next county, and wrap the rest of his body around a lamp post, Sirius most certainly would. If Ken was lucky.

Playing dumb was thrown out as it was less likely to work than claiming amnesia, and that was the scale he was using today. If his plan wouldn't work as well as brain damage would, then he was tossing it. So he was back to staging a break up. Which was something he so could've done back on Remus's doorstep if he'd had his head on straight, but _no,_ he had to draw this out.

Ken pressed the heels of his hand to his eyes and watched the resulting spots dance across the wall. It was a good thing they hadn't painted the library interior with neon green polka dots, he though dimly. It looked really horrible.

Well, he mused, sighing and leaning his back against the wall, it could all go really smoothly if he just talked Sirius into getting back together with Remus. Yeah, right. But Ken wasn't the type of person who planned, schemed, or even dreamed, so he was taking a shot. Planning a fake break fell back to plan B. Amnesia was looking like a solid C.

* * *

According to Ken's guilty conscience, Sirius was going to be waiting just inside the door, wanting to know where he'd gone. According to logic, Sirius would be staring vacantly at a stretch of blank wall.

And according to the wall, it was really uncomfortable suddenly being the center of attention. It had minded its own business for years, and suddenly there was someone who had nothing better to do all the day than sit there and stare. It was beginning to be a bit disconcerting.

Without preamble, Ken kicked the bottom of Sirius's chair. "Up!"

Sirius turned his head, but didn't say anything.

"This is so not like you. The best I can say about it is at least you don't sulk in a stereotypical place, like a bed or a bar. You're talking to Remus, and you're doing it now."

The blank stare was not encouraging in the least.

"If this was all some big blow out of a misunderstanding, than you can just go make sure he understands, right? That you love him and that I'm some nobody?" No reaction. _"Now_."

He grabbed the back of the chair and heaved it onto two legs, forcing Sirius to crumple into a heap on the floor.

"Well, that's off the chair, I guess. What's with you? At least you were talking before."

"Remus wasn't at the book store."

"Huh?"

"When we went there, I was watching for him to come out, but we were there until it closed and he didn't…" Sirius trailed off, looking up at me with eyes that looked hurt and lost.

"I don't get it." He tapped his foot, staring down at Sirius, waiting for an explanation.

"He's totally moved on, doesn't even want to be in a place he used to go with me, anymore."

"I doubt you ever actually set foot in that book store in your life, Sirius."

"You know what I-"

"I always know what you mean," Ken interrupted, "and he was there Sirius, he left before you latched yourself onto the window like some kind of parasite."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"You don't want me sulking anymore; you lied to keep me from feeling worse."

"Right. 'Cause when you want to make someone feel better, what you do is call them a parasite."

"_You_ would."

"Regardless of your feelings, Remus left the bookstore just after I sat down. He was there, and I'm sure he would be-"

"What was he wearing, then?"

"-more than happy to see you. Excuse me, what? 'What was he wearing?'"

"What jacket did he have on?" He asked with dispirited triumph.

Ken stared at Sirius for a moment. He tried for a second to remember, but couldn't, "I don't _know_. I look for fashion tips from people who don't dress like they're homeless."

"You don't know," Sirius proclaimed, "because you didn't see him and you don't want to give me the wrong answer." My mouth popped open, a protest on my tongue, but Sirius plowed on, "Stop lying to me, I know him: he's avoiding going anywhere I've ever been with him."

"And it certainly doesn't look like you're doing the same thing, affixed to a kitchen he never stood in for longer than a half hour. And I'm back to: I highly doubt you were ever in that shop. Also, I'm not lying."

"You are. Thank you, I guess, but I've had enough." He leveled himself into another chair in a that-was-that manner.

But that-wasn't-that because Ken was at least as stubborn as Sirius was. And now he was angry because he wasn't lying, not right at the moment, and Sirius seemed one hundred percent sure that he was. "I'm dragging you there if I have to put you in a full body-bind, send you through the floo, and sit on you until the two of you have at least spoken."

"No."

Ken kicked the wall, putting a dent in the plaster. "Now."

"No."

Ken whipped out his hardly used wand and pointed it at Sirius. "Right this very second."

"Not a cha-" Sirius's body went rigid and his jaw clamped shut. His body no longer conforming to the angles of the chair, he slipped sideways and crashed to the floor. Ken winced at the thud before running over to turn Sirius upright.

He patted his shoulder as comfortingly as he could, but said, "You know, this isn't really all that different from how you've been for the past few weeks. 'Cept now I'm putting you in the fire." The one eye Ken could see at this angle glared balefully.

He threw a pinch of powder on the fire in the next room before levitating Sirius over to him. It was a tight squeeze, but he managed to fit both of them in and shout out Remus's address.

* * *

TBC and all that


End file.
